The Devil Went Down to Southport

[With further apologies to Charlie Daniels]

The Devil went down to Southport, he was looking for a dog to rob.
He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind, with Michael Vick out of a job
Then he came across this beagle lickin' her nose and makin' it cold.
The Devil jumped up on the kids' play fort and said "Beagle, now you just hold.

"I guess you didn't know it, but I can make a cold nose, too.
And if you'd make a little ol' stake, I've got a scheme for you.
Now you've got a darn cold nose, my dear, but here is my grand bet:
I'll put a pig ear fife against your life, cause I think mine's colder yet."

The dog said "My name's Perlie, and maybe I've been fooled,
But I'll take that offer, you silly old scoffer, my nose can't be out-cooled."

Perlie slobber up your snout and ice that sucker down,
Cause hell's broke loose in Southport with The Devil now in town.
Now if you win you get this massive crunchy pig ear fife,
But if you lose The Devil takes your life.

The Devil stretched his nose out and said "I'll start this chase"
And frost flew from his burning eyes and he sniffed in outer space.
Then he jumped inside the house and touched the bipeds' skin,
He laughed at all the chills they felt as their coldness did begin.

(Is that a draft I feel? Have you seen my sweater? Who left the door open? I feel a breeze. Brrrrrr, that's a bit of a chill.)

When The Devil finished Perlie laughed "Oh, they aren't cold, you jerk.
Just take a seat and take some notes, and you just watch me work."

(Perl's got a cold nose! Run, boys, run!)
(Beauie's frozen stiff in the August sun!)
(Start an oil field fire! More! More! More!)
(Global warming's undone, call Al Gore!)

The Devil rubbed his head because this did not compute
And got a cold nose in the butt as he placed the pig ear flute.
Perlie said "Devil, just come on back if you ever want another bet,
Just remember this, my nose was dry, you should feel it when it's wet!"

They yelled
(Oh my god, I've gone all numb!)
(Minus three is our kelvin sum!)
(All atomic motion's come to a halt!)
(The sun has frozen into chocolate malt!)

A Frank Zappa Tribute

Dreamed I was a malamute.
Frozen wind blew like a flute
Under my paws and around my snoot.
Around the hill and o'er the butte.
[boop-boop-a-ye-ah-yah]
Killed the plants down to the root.
And my Perlie cried [boo-hoo]
And my Perlie cried [Beauie, a-so cute]
[Beauie, a-you brute]
Don't be a naughty Malamute.
Save your heat, don't outside scoot.
Well I turned around and I said: Aw, shoot.
Well I turned around and I said: That's moot.
Well I turned around and I said: Don't hoot.
And then our igloo became all mute.
And she said, with a howl in her voice:
Watch out where the sled dogs poot,
And don't you chew that frozen doot.
Watch out where the sled dogs poot,
And don't you chew that frozen doot.

Beauie B. Goode

[With sincerest apologies to the great Chuck Berry]

Way up in Indiana, just outside Southport,
Back up a cul-de-sac, near a kid's play fort,
There is a big house where the beagles all run,
Including Beauregard, that son of a gun.
He never learned to speak in hushed tones of voice;
Barking real loud is Beau's only choice.

Hush-hush!
Hush, Beauie, hush, hush!
Hush, Beauie, hush, hush!
Hush, Beauie, hush, hush!
Hush, Beauie, hush, hush!
Beauie, be good!

He'll carry off your shoes when your back is turned,
And eat all your food, whether raw or burned.
The bipeds would all see him chewing on a book,
Wondering why Beauie could be such a schnook.
The people visiting would see him munch on poo.
Oh my, how that little beagle boy can chew!

Oh No!
No, Beauie! No! No!
No, Beauie! No! No!
No, Beauie! No! No!
No, Beauie! No! No!
Beauie, be good!

His momma told him "Someday you will go too far,
And we might take a ride in that big old car."
Beauie looked at her with his eyes so sad,
Sorry that he’d made his momma so mad.
He licked her on the nose and she had to smile.
Saying "Beauie, you're my angel chile."

Good Beau!
Good Beauie, good Beau!
Good Beauie, good Beau!
Good Beauie, good Beau!
Good Beauie, good Beau!
Beauie's so good!

Welcome to my Dogpack

[With full apologies to Izzy Stradlin … the rest of Guns and Roses being beyond apology.]


[Oh my Snoopy…]

ROoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Arf!

Welcome to my dog pack,
We got treats and toys.
We got everything you want,
Except for pink borzois.

We are the beagles that you hear
Baying loud at night.
If you got the moxie, doxie,
You won’t suffer fright

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
We’ll snatch all of your
Tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-treats, treats.
Arf, woof. You’re gonna watch me eat!

Welcome to my dog pack,
We run here every day
After squirrels and rabbits, too,
But not those things that neigh.

And you’re a very swift young hound,
Very quick to learn.
If you pay attention close,
Some kibble you may earn

From my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
Now where’s my my, my, my
My beagle team?!
Oo, oh, they just make me scream!

Welcome to my dog pack,
We get fed here twice a day.
You have to sit and stay for treats,
But that’s just the price we pay.

You gotta run after what you see,
You’ll catch one eventually.
You can have anything of Beau’s
But don’t take a thing from me!

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack!
Bring me your kibble
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-please, please!
Herf, wuff. I gotta get some feed!

When we run, we never
Really wanna wind down,
These hounds,
Loud sounds,
Such clowwwwwns,
Rooooooooo!

[You know where you are?
You’re in my dog pack, baby!
You’re gonna run!]

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
We’ll take all of your
Tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-treats, treats.

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
You’re in my my, my, my
My beagle team!

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
We’ll run until you have sore
Kn-n-n-n-n-n-n-knees, knees.

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack!
There goes a squir--
We’re gonna take it down!
Woof!

Uno Uno

[With full apologies to David Bowie; this just isn't the same without that great
riff playing behind it]

Put Westminster in a whirl;
Won the heart of this beagle girl.
Hey Dawg, your coat's alright.
Hey Dawg, we're so proud tonight.

You won big, and we love it, oh.
Feel like dancing 'cause you did so fine.
Those priss breeds gonna take it hard.
You won top dog; their world is jarred.

They’ve put us down, in verse and song.
You beagle king, you proved them wrong!

Uno, Uno, you passed the test.
Uno, Uno, a beagle won Best.
Uno, Uno, you showed them all!
Hero, stand proud and tall!

Vegas had us with bad odds.
Four hundred to one? Ye gods!
Oh no, that's every one!
O ho, us did they shun!

But we knew, and now they do, too.
Beagles rule, especially you.
Terriers are now in shock;
Breeders swoon and call for a doc.

You hung tough, and got the top.
Judge did point, and jaws did drop!

Uno, Uno, we are so proud.
Uno, Uno, you howled out so loud,
Uno, Uno, when you were picked.
Hey wait, why aren't you ticked?

Uno, Uno, beagles still rule!
Uno, Uno, and others all drool!
Uno, Uno, future's so bright!
Hot damn! Wang Chung tonight!

You passed their test,
A beagle got best!
We all knew the truth,
But the truth is now blessed!

(You got the) Top trophy, such a live wire!
(Got the) Pig ears as my queenly tribute!
(You gonna) Receive the Order of Snoopy Dudes!

Cause you passed the test!
You're a beagle king success!
And their world is a mess!
Cause now they must know!
How can they not know?

So what should I send,
To start a gift trend?
You ought to run and howl,
And be fed spotted owl!
Just ignore the greens' yowl.

Cause you passed the test!
And you have earned a rest!
They named you the best!
So now they all know!
How can they not know?

Running with the Beagle

[With apologies to all of Van Halen]

I gulp my food like there's no tomorrow.
And all I eat, Beau tries to steal.
I need to eat more food than Charo
'Cause I'll outrun anything on wheels!

Oh yeah.

[Warooo!]
Running with the beagles.
(Awyeah-eah-eah, How-roo!]
Running with the beagles.

(I'll howl you about it.)
Now a beagle's life ain't so simple,
We've got to run and bay all day long.
Our calories should make us blimple,
But we shred turf like I did this song.

Ooh, yeah [howl]
Running with the beagles.
(I'm gonna lap one more time, howwwl!]
Running with the beagles.

You know uh,
I treat my body just like a temple
In a slightly run-down neighborhood.
A beagle runs so that a limp'll
Slow us down less than it should.

(Awwww, yeah)
Running with the beagles.
(Oh yes! O yes I'm running)
Running with the beagles.
[One more lap!]

Howl! Howl!

[Whooo! Uh,]
Running with the beagles.
(Hoo, boy, …)
Running with the beagles.

[Whuh, puff]

Running with the beagles.
[Huff, huff]
Running with the beagles.

[ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......]

Long Eared Beagle Boy

[With apologies to Charlie Daniels]

People say I’m silly, and loud as a bassoon.
When I run hard in the morning, I sleep hard in the afternoon.
Ticked just like grandpa’s hunting hound, chewing rope bones ‘til they’re frayed.
Ain’t never caught a rabbit, but I darn sure got it made.

Cause I won’t ask nobody for nothing,
If I can steal it on my own.
If you don’t like the way I’m howlin’
You just give his long eared beagle boy a bone.

Perlie girl squawking at me, wants to put me in my place.
Thinks she can be the big dog, so she’s barkin’ right in my face.
She said I drank all of the water, and I know that it’s true.
So now I need to go in the yard, to wee and maybe eat some poo.

And now I’m asking all y’all for something,
Or I’ll just steal it on my own.
If you don’t like the way I’m howlin’
You just give his long eared beagle boy a bone.

A Yorkie wants to marry, a poodle wants to flirt.
Setters go to K-9 Kollege, scotties dig in the dirt.
Labs want to nose you on the crotch, a hound wants to smell your feet.
I just want everything and all, and I’ll beg for a jerky treat.

But I won’t ask nobody for nothing,
If I can take it on my own.
If you don’t like the way I’m howlin’
You just give his long eared beagle boy a bone.

My Beagle Queen

[Daddy loves me! He wrote this while listening to "Black Peach", his favorite song by The Elms.]

A cute little hound dog everybody likes.
You sneak to the couch to steal some food from tykes.
It isn't that you don't know what you're doing's wrong.
It's just that you always hear a dinner gong.

You're my bee-eagle queen.

(Woof!)
Bold as a bandit, grabbing with your mouth.
One biscuit snatched and you high-tail it south.
Running like a cheetah, faster than a flame.
You move like a rabbit to sidestep any blame.

You're my bee-eagle queen.

You smell like dead skunk, where have you been?
You're gonna get washed before I let you in.
You act like you think you own that door.
But now you're going to find out what soap is for.

Sneaking in the bedroom to snooze away the night.
Cold nose on my back and I nearly die from fright.
Slip between the covers to keep all nice and warm.
Lick Mom on the knee and you cause a blanket storm.

You're my bee-eagle queen.

(Arf!)

You dig in the flowers, roll in the dirt.
You see the new neighbor and act a total flirt.
You spend all your time eating more more more.
And now you're gonna know what a diet's for.

Awroo-oo-oo-oo ...
Awroo-oo-oo-oo ...

We can't make popcorn and have any peace.
You won't stand for cold without your purple fleece.
You always remind me of joys from my youth.
We love you so much, and you know it's the truth.

You're my bee-eagle queen.
You're my bee-eagle queen.
You're my bee-ee-ee-eagle queeeeeeeeen.
My beagle queen!

(woof)