Daily Exercise

Out of the door and onto the deck
Snuffling and scrambling and running like heck.
Down the back steps and into the yard
The sinews all stiffen and muscles get hard.
A sniff and a snort and I suddenly know:
A squirrel has been here, and it must go!

With nose on the ground and tail in the air,
I track the vile varmint to who-knows-where.
Round the big maple and past the yard barn,
Into the swale and over yon tarn,
By the wood pile and past the back gate,
'Round the blue spruce -- it's not too late!

Staring at me is the evil red squirrel,
Eyes staring wide at The Beagle Queen Perl.
Standing stock still, holding onto his nuts,
With a blink he takes off and to the tree scuts!
With a howl and a flash the chase is now on!
I'm closing the gap with raw beagle brawn!

Under the oak and around the small bush,
I nearly catch up and nip on his tush!
Tail hairs I spit as I catch up again,
One day I'll get it, I just don't know when
He'll slow and I'll bite, it may be today!
I'm closing so fast he won't get away!

From under the deck there arises a clatter
Of a beagle awaking to see what is the matter.
Beauregard ambles out to the yard,
The squirrel runs under and I hit him hard!
We tumble and stop and I rub my nose.
Some days you can't win, that's just how it goes.

Food Rain Down

(with sincerest apologies to the members of Collective Soul for mangling such a great song as Shine)

Give me some kibble,
Give me a treat.
Give me what I sniff,
Tell me what will I eat? (It smells like feet!)

Fling it on the ground,
Or toss it in the sky;
Or over a cliff.
Tell me what will I bite? (Maybe all night ...)

[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh.]
(woof!)
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh-dut! Dut!.]
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh.]
(arf!)
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh-dut! Dut!.]

Woo-o-oh, biped let the food rain down.
Woo-o-oh, I really want a treat right now.
Woo-o-oh, won't you let the food rain down.
Woo-o-oh, I really need to eat right now.

Food is in my water,
Food is in my hair.
Oh boy! My favorite!
Tell me, is more food there? (In the chair?)

Teach me how to speak!
Teach me how to stay!
Teach me how to sit!
Tell me, is more on the way? (Should I bay?)

[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh.]
(woof!)
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh-dut! Dut!]
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh.]
(arf!)
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh-dut! Dut!.]

Woo-o-oh, biped let the food rain down.
Woo-o-oh, I really want a treat right now.
Woo-o-oh, won't you let the food rain down.
Woo-o-oh, I really need to eat right now.

Give me some food!
Give me some grub!
Give me some treats!
Enough to fill up a tub! (Just don't scrub!)

Feed me from your hand,
Or put it in a bowl.
Toss it on the ground
Enough to sate a hungry troll. (Or large foal ...)

[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh.]
(woof!)
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh-dut! Dut!]
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh.]
(arf!)
[Duh, duh-de-duh-duh, de-duuh-de-de-duh-dut! Dut!.]

Woo-o-oh, biped let the food rain down.
Woo-o-oh, I really want a treat right now.
Woo-o-oh, won't you let the food rain down.
Woo-o-oh, I really need to eat right now.

I'm gonna eat it up
I'm gonna eat it up
Cause I am one perpetual-hungry pup!
Oh boy! Oh boy! I am one perpetual-hungry pup!
It's gonna raaaaaain, kibble on me-he-he! Me-he-he!
It's gonna raaaaaain, kibble on me!!!!

Belly Rub Day

(with full apologies to the members of U2)

The hand is a boon,
Reaching out from the biped grouch.
Here is some room,
Some space to laze on this couch.

Think I'm in luck,
And the reason that you have to care
Is that you're stuck,
And you're not moving anywhere.

You know you've found a friend,
Whether you wanted to or not,
Someone who needs your hand,
Right in this itchy spot.

It's a belly rub daaaaaaaaaaaay!
Hands on, I feel like
It's a belly rub daaaaaaaaaaaay!
Won't let you get away!

Home or on the road,
Who cares about the destination?
Jes' gimme a ruuuub!
Or would that mean too much indignation?

I love this time,
You can see that I am not blue.
You've rubbed my belly,
So I'll lick on the face you!

It's a belly rub daaaaaaaaaaaay!
Y'ain't gonna get away!
It's a belly rub daaaaaaaaaaaay!

Rub me! Rub me!
Take me to that leg twitch place!
Love me, biped!
I know you're not a hopeless case!

See the beagle with tick of blue!
See her belly, right in front of you!
See the mouth, making pleas so loud!
See the nose snorting out a big cloud!
See the bipeds laughing with mirth!
See the rubbed-uppest belly on Earth!
And see the beagle, happy as sin,
At the moment the belly rub did begiiiiiiin.

It's a belly rub daaaaaaaaaaaay!
Beagle Queen demands her way!
It's a belly rub daaaaaaaaaaaay!

Touch me! Touch me!
Rub me here in this place.
Reach me now,
And please pick up the pace

What I don't have, makes me have a cow.
What I don't know, I really need, and how.
What I don't have, I sure need it now.
I need it now.
Such a belly rub daaaayy.....

Perlie's Big Brown Pig Ear

Perlie's Big Brown Pig Ear


(With sincerest apologies to Les Claypool and all the guys in Primus)


Now Perlie's loves herself a big brown pig ear
And she wants to keep it all herself.
One day, you know, she had to have a pig ear
So she snuck it off the high treat shelf.

Along came Beau, a-movin' kinda slow,
And said "Recognize that smell?
A pig ear! Oh boy! My favorite!
It even beats Taco Bell!"

Now Beau's a galumpher with an unclean ear
Who likes to snuffle out other folk's grub.
He'll eat up your lunch, with one big munch.
He'll chew a shoe down to a nub.

Beau got wind of the big brown pig ear,
So he thought he'd take himself a bite.
But Perlie was quick and snapped at his floppy ear
And he jumped in suborbital flight.

So Perlie took her big brown pig ear
And she hid it under our big bed.
Said "I sure to love this big brown pig ear,
And I'll chew it till my mouth is red."

Now Perlie stayed down there for seven hours
And it got us all worried a-might.
So I patted her head and gripped on the pig ear
And the little **** tried to bite.

Now Perlie loves her big brown pig ear
And she chews it up all the time.
One day she had to potty so
She hid it in the needles under the yellow pine.

Stairway to Popcorn

Stairway to Popcorn

(with sincerest apologies to Messers Plant, Page, Jones, and Bonham)

We are beagles who know: that which inhales is cold.
And we're climbing a stairway for popcorn.
When we get there we know, if the kitchen is closed,
With a cold nose we'll get what we came for.

Ooh, ooh, and we're climbing a stairway for popcorn.

There's that boy on the couch, next to that large grouch,
'Cause you know bipeds all have their own snack foods.
And we're told "You have food", which is not to be booed,
But we want popcorn, or maybe a sandwich.

Ooh, if the bread is Wonder.
Ooh, if the bread is Wonder.

There's a cold nose you'll get, be you biped or pet,
'Cause our spirits are crying for kernels.
In our thoughts we have seen fluffy white, if you please,
And the crunching of those who sit noshing.

Ooh, and it makes me hungry.
Ooooh, it really make me hungry.

And it's promised that soon, if we speak while in tune
That a biped will feed us, in season.
And some new corn will come, for those who sit schtum,
And the whole room will echo with munching.
(Does anybody remember munching?)

If there's some bustle in the kitchen, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the treat box.
Yes, there are two snacks you can chow down, but in the long run,
There's still time to change the food you want.

Waroooh, if the bread is Wonder ...

Our throats are howling and they won't slow, in case you don't know,
The beagles' call for you to feed them.
Dear biped, can you hear the dog bark, and with nose stark
Cold on the one with the full bowl.

[HOWL SOLO]

And as we run on down the halls,
Our loot much larger than all y'all's,
There stands a biped we all know,
With hands on hips who wants to show
How everyone still needs to act
With some diffidence and tact,
Instead of scaring her two tots
Into tossing up the pots
Until the popcorn leaps and flooooooooows ...

And we're hiding from cold-nosed-mad bipeds.